By Marita Fridjhon

Yesterday in our executive team meeting I was reminded of the well-known statement that “employees don’t quit jobs, they quit managers and office environments.” The research by brain scientists such as Daniel Pink and positivity in the workplace research by Losada, Heaphy and others, bear this out.

When we sat down for our meeting there was not only a high frustration level in the room but also fatigue… The server went down, the IT support group was slow on the uptake, pressing deadlines for proposals, marketing and other initiatives were stretched to the max by information not accessible on the recalcitrant server hard disk, to name only a few issues.

What is your team tolerating
​By Guest Blogger Anne Rød, Certified ORSC Practitioner

You could hear the infamous pin drop. The silence was complete. The Emotional Field was flat, not hot or cold, just flat. The flattest I had experienced in my 8 years of doing systems work.

We were half way into a 2.5 day retreat with a team of 22. Prior to the retreat we had asked team to complete online questions on various topics, answers that would be shared anonymously in the team during plenary sessions. My partner had insisted that we ask; “What are you tolerating in this team?” A lot, as it turned out.

By Marita Fridjhon

Years ago Faith and I came up with this activity that really is helpful for clients who are in the trenches of change management. Is there anybody that is not currently managing change of some kind?

Last week we had the unique opportunity to work back-to-back with two organizations who, as organizational entities, respectively occupy the lands of Leapers and Tradition Holders. While we very often work with the roles of Leapers, Bridge builders and Tradition holders in teams, I have never had such a vivid experience of organizational entities occupying these roles. 

By Marita Fridjhon

I came across something earlier today in a teaching by Pema Chödrön that really got my attention. In it she talks about “humans as transitional beings – beings who are neither fully caught nor fully free, but in the process of awakening.” I read this as I was preparing for a call with a partner and colleague in Egypt and I found it very helpful during that conversation. 

As we shared stories of friends and colleagues with health challenges, as I listened to his account of the confusing, as well as very much “on the edge situation” currently in Egypt, I was aware of how, not only are we as human beings in the process of becoming, of evolving, so are cultures and countries and regimes and communities. Countries, like individuals, are neither doomed nor completely free. With every action, revolution, political process, countries are creating their future; just as every individual does. 

By Faith Fuller


The Fifth “C,” Commitment, is the fifth in a series of five blogs on The 5 C’s of Good Relationships.

It is impossible to have a long term relationship without commitment. Commitment is the glue, the container that holds the relationship together in the face of the insults and injuries of everyday partnership life. Like courtesy, commitment is a discipline and a path. Partners speak of making a commitment to one another, as if we are committing to the other person. However, at CRR Global we hold it a little differently, as a commitment to a spiritual path you are both willing to explore. 

The word commitment closes off some people’s throats, leaving them gasping for air, especially in this era of “hook ups.” It sounds like hard work, limiting, confining. And it is those things, sometimes. Sometimes marriage feels stifling. We grow weary of the compromises. We get bored with familiarity. We chafe under the bonds. This is because commitment is a container.

Commitment is like a vessel that holds something you care about, whether it is family, a talent for baseball or a project. And if you want to be good at something you care about you dedicate yourself to it. You submit to the routine, you practice the drills that give you mastery, you show up over and over even when you would rather sleep in. You do this because when you practice your craft, dive deeply into the mysteries of it, that discipline becomes a profound expression of who you are. Eventually all that discipline falls away and there are moments of transcendent freedom, when you are playing the instrument of your Third Entity together effortlessly. 

Focus and commitment produce depth of experience. Good partnerships develop a kind of patina, a smooth silky quality of interaction from years of sanding down the bumps and snags. Like polished beach wood each one has a unique shape from the weathering effects of their common experience. This is worth having.

By Faith Fuller


Courtesy is the fourth “C.” This is the fourth post in a series about the 5 C’s of Good Relationships.

When we mention the fourth C to people they are often surprised. Courtesy, after all, doesn’t sound like such a big deal after chemistry, commonality and conflict. But make no mistake, there are dark times in any committed relationship when it is courtesy that gets you through. Relationship is a journey through a landscape, and sometimes there are periods of desert or of storm. There are times of terrible tension, anger, or disappointment when at 3 am in the morning we wonder how we will get through it. At times of great strain, when it is hard to remember that we love one another, courtesy is the path we can walk. Courtesy is the behavioral form of respect. If respect is the experience of valuing another person, courtesy is the expression of it. The dictionary defines courtesy as (dictionary.com):

1) excellence of manners or social conduct; polite behavior.
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2) a courteous, respectful, or considerate act or expression.

By Faith Fuller


This is the third of a 5 part series on the 5 Cs of Relationship. The Third “C” is Constructive Conflict. 

Of all the things couples fear, conflict is right up there at the top. For most of us conflict feels like snake handling or juggling fire, full of barely controlled dangerous power, on the edge of disaster. Yet some couples thrive on the intensity of it, and no question about it- having a fight is intimate. When we are arguing we are fully engaged, face-to-face, utterly absorbed with one another. Even if we walk away during a fight we remain preoccupied with one another, running scenarios about it in our head, what we should have said. I am amazed at the sheer energetic power of conflict. 

Even after years of Buddhist practice and many years of training about conflict I can still be highjacked in an instant. Conflict is a sign of connection in intimate relationships. It means that our partner, or child, or family member is under our skin, has directly accessed us. It is a form of passion, albeit a painful form. Anger means we care. When I am working with conflicted couples I am usually not too concerned about the fights (assuming they are not using Horsemen.) Fighting is engagement in the sweaty work of hammering out a needed relationship change. 

It is disengagement that sends off alarm bells for me. When one or the other partner no longer has the energy to get angry; when they have become detached, that is the signal that the relationship is in real trouble. The relationship has lost its energy and chemistry. They no longer care enough to be touched by the conflict. The opposite of love is not hate- it is indifference.

Styles and frequency of fighting vary enormously. Some couples are brawlers and others barely raise their voices. I find Gottman’s research very comforting on the topic. Like most people the researchers assumed that frequency of conflict would be a predictor of divorce, but that turned out not to be the case. It wasn’t the frequency of fighting but the style of fighting that was the predictor. Both high conflict and low conflict relationships can work fine as long as there are low levels of Horsemen.
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There is another way to think about conflict. At CRR Global we hold that conflict is a signal from the Third Entity that something needs to change. From this perspective conflict is important information. Handled well, conflict is a mid-wife to constructive change. Conflict tends to occur when:

By Faith Fuller


The Second “C,” Commonality vs Polarity. This post is the second of five on The Five C’s of Relationship.

There are two forces operating in relationship, commonality which pulls us together and moves us in the same direction and polarity, the drive to separate, individuate and be different. Both are important to successful relationship. 

Commonality is the pool of common values, interests, and identity between two people. As we mentioned above, dating services know that the more things a couple have in common the more likely they are to have a solid friendship base. And a solid friendship base is very important to a rich relationship. Relationship can survive without chemistry, but it cannot survive without friendship. Sooner or later we get out of bed and have to build a life together. The more we have in common the easier it is. Friendship is the glue that keeps us together.

Polarity is the opposing force to commonality. It is that which drives the experience of being separate and different from one another. Polarity provides energy, spark and creative tension. It is at the heart of the old chestnut that opposites attract. Our commonalities make my partner comforting to me, our polarities fascinate, stimulate and aggravate! The friction of our differences creates heat and intensity. 

Relationships with high commonality are easier to manage, but can become bland. Below are examples of how two real-life couples can play out on the commonality, polarity axis.

June and Saul both come from a middle-class background and both are teachers. When they met they knew they wanted kids and that they wanted to raise them in the Jewish faith. They love going to the movies and are taking a Thai cooking class together. They spend a lot of time comparing notes about their teaching experiences. When they have a conflict they talk it through logically. When asked to describe their relationship they say they are best friends.

By Faith Fuller

In the ORSC courses I am often asked, “What makes a good relationship.” I am cautious when I answer because I know full well that there is no one-size-fits-all answer. For example, define “good.” Qualities that make a good relationship for some of my friends would send me screaming into the hills. Does good mean happy? No relationship is happy all the time. My favorite 20th anniversary card was one which said, “Thanks for 13 really great years, 4 so-so, and 3 really shitty ones!” That about sums it up in my book. We take vows “for better and worse,” but we rarely talk about “the worse” parts. As we move through the vicissitudes of our lives together there are going to be periods of great strain, losses and disappointments even in highly successful relationships. For me this is when marriage becomes interesting. I am grateful everyday for the sweet and smooth parts of my relationship, but it is the hard times that really show me my soul.

There is a term in Buddhism called “Guru Principle.” The power of a Guru is that s/he show us our mind and by seeing how our mind works we become aware. The point of Guru Principle is that anything that shows us our minds is acting as a teacher, a Guru to us. And there is no greater Guru than our relationships. Relationship truly shows us the heights and depths of our emotional capacity. Marita holds up a constant mirror to me if I am willing to look at my own mind and heart. Sometimes the view is great and I can see my own loving nature, generous with great sweetness. Other days I see pettiness and engrained resentful narratives. 

In my own unscientific experience there are some ground conditions for creating and maintaining relationship . I call these the Five C’s. These are not the only important qualities, but they are part of what can build a sturdy relationship. So take them in the spirit in which they are offered, which is a lens to think about your own relationship. This blog is the first of a series on the 5 C’s which are Chemistry, Commonality, Constructive Conflict, Courtesy and Commitment.

By Faith Fuller

As I explained in the last post, the foundational Buddha Family is Pacifying which is about deep discernment and developing awareness. However, once you have clarity and awareness you may want to employ one of the other Buddha Families to support whatever is trying to happen.

The second Buddha Family is named Enriching and is one of my personal favorites. Enriching energy is about the support and development of the individual or system. It creates the experience of psychological and material wealth. Enriching energy can take a variety of forms, all of which are about appreciating our natural wealth. Enriching is associated with the color gold, with helping clients see their splendid and shining qualities. It brings a sense of opulence and well being. Think of having a wonderful meal in beautiful surroundings, with good friends. You walk away full and generous because you have so much; you just naturally want to share.

Positive Mirroring is when we support a client to experience their own inner resourcefulness, well being and value. When we do this, we are practicing enriching energy. Coaching naturally lives in this energy--we hold the system as intelligent and creative, we believe in its capacity to find its own answers, and set its own agenda. Enriching energy perceives the best in the client and mirrors this back. We believe in the client even when they don’t. Skills and tools that support positive mirroring include: acknowledgement, appreciative enquiry, and championing. It is more of a stance than a specific tool.